My enigma, a sort of paradox. A complex issue.
A question has been bothering me these past few days.
How much is to much fantasy, and how much is to much reality?
Let me clarify.
Fantasy, in this case I mean to define it as “daydreaming”.
Reality, in this case I mean to define it as the “maybe truth”.
How do you keep your dreams, your wants, in check? So as not to fall into despair when you do not receive what you desire.
The similarity between the two words Dream and Ambition. Dream being more of a delightful hallucination. Ambition being an endeavor to make that dream a reality.
UGH! I feel that I’m not making any sense at all. But I am going to continue writing even if it doesn’t make the slightest sense. Forgive me for my ramblings. I need to write, even if it is incoherent.
Wanting something so badly. Building your world around it. Dreaming of it. Something in the future happens. Everything falls apart. What are you left with?
I guess what I’m asking is, is it safe to dream? To make my heart hallucinate it’s greatest desire? Numb out reality, pretend there isn’t anything to worry about? My mind tells me to retain some sense, to make sure I check in with reality once in a while.
It makes me ask myself, “What are you so afraid about?”
Which I readily answer with, “I am afraid of losing everything that I love, being alone, all slipping past my fingertips. ”
I’m so scared of hurting… myself.
ACK! I’m being confusing. So confused that, I barely know what I’m talking about. “Christina! What ARE you talking about?”
I guess I’m saying, rather, correction, what I am TRYING to say is that: Is it safe to build my world around you Sachi?
Oh don’t get me wrong, I know you love me, and I love you in return.
It’s a wonderful adventure, not knowing what is in store for the future.
I trust you. You once told me you wouldn’t break my heart. Please don’t, because I’ve already started to build my world around you. You occupy my thoughts and dreams 24/7.
I love you so much.
Oh goodness. Did I make ANY type of SENSE at ALL?!? AH! Oh well. Thank you for bearing with me. ^.^ Sorry if I'm being repetitive. But it's kind of an important subject you know...
posted by Nichi @ 1:31 PM
2 Comments:
Well, lucky for you, I have essentially the same problem, and so I think I know exactly what you're saying(this is Jake, btw)
As I understand it, because of the constant situation of insignificance we busy little humans confine ourselves to, you, being intelligent, feel an instinctive obligation to stand out in the most drastic ways imaginable. You tire of the trivialties society spews before you, abandoning all logic for the sake of materialistic, temporary satisfactions iike McDonalds and health insurance for a want of integrity and even expects YOU to comply with the same nonsense. Standing out, therefore, can occur only in your wildest fantasies. You can only play around with images of heroism for the sake of your sanity, and even when you imagine that which you already know is stretching the thin rubber of reality you and I know as common sense, the more prominent, less inborn form of your conciousness tells you "Stop! This wouldnt be right even if you DID do it" but alas, what else is there?
The human that yearns to be more than one of the ants on the hill has no means of achieving this, but it still has to think of it regardless of the societal consequences that would develop should it actually happen, because otherwise it would become everything it secretly hates.
Sometimes I picture myself doing things as vanglorious as taking down a bank robberer Jacki-chan style and mowing down his associates using his own M4 rifle, or running out into the streets to push my 11-year-old cousin out of the way of an 18-wheeler. THOSE are fantasies. But sometimes I imagine myself in a martial arts tournament in Japan, having attained a blackbelt 10 a week prior and kicking everyone's ass at once. THAT is a life-long ambition.
Distinguishing between the two is important, but dont fall short of your own expectations just because you know other people would think it oversealous just because THEY lack the skill and devotion. Have you ever told someone that you think you could do something if you put in a lot of effort, but they then said that it's impossible? I think it's funny as hell that when I beat a handful of crackheads at something like lasertag in the most ownage way possible, they then assume I play the game too much just because I kicked their asses. It's probably because the only way people with such small brains can satisfy their repugnantly petty self-esteems is to lower the accomplishment of the guy who just OWNED their fat faces by attributing the skill which brought forth the pwnage they just recieved to luck or depravation.
Those arent very good examples, but suffice to say that you'd be surprised what you can achieve through discipline and purity... You can never be too creative. Dream on =)
Oh, and that thing I mentioned about lasertag occurs about eight times a year on average for me, and I went twice over winter vacation, since I no longer LIVE in Virginia -_-
During break, I exhibited a jump in skill in that game(I usually do MUCH worse), my average score being about 10,000 at this point and average rank somewhere around 4th/5th(the average game containing approximately 25 people). I've gotten second three times, once when the game had 40 people and I got over 15,000 and once I got first when I was playing with 7 other players, 4 of them being on yellow and whom NOBODY would agree had any sort of skill(except them, of course). They seemed a bit discontent with the amount of ass-rapeage all 4 of them had recieved at once from that one 200-pound, 5'7" dude on Red, and so they decided to give up on notions of self-improvement and instead concluded that "you must play this game too much". To be fair, I suppose it's rather astonishing how quickly I improved, since I rarely play... Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks so XD
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