Ziggy Boogie Doog.

I apologize for the enigmatic thoughts just up ahead.

To me, it seems that our “society” is divided into two’s. Each side thinking the other side is ‘wrong’. Let me try to make it easier to understand.
Two sides:

One side: Intelligent and independent people. Who try to pull away from being dragged into the “normal flow” of human nature. People who endeavor and are determined to be different.

Other side: People who choose (or in some cases unknowingly choose) to smoothly go along with “the ways of the world”. They set up rule’s and regulations, and expect everybody to follow them without questioning or thinking twice about it. They stumble, they fall over the rule’s that they have set up. But they cover it up by saying “Everybody’s not perfect”

If you break away and declare your independence from the rule’s of society. If you question their way of living and thinking, they automatically try with all their might to shoot you down. At first they sweetly try to coax you back, oh-so-gently, persuasion drenched in honey. If that fails, they take you on an emotional rollercoaster, and throw guilt at your face.
And if that fails as well, they shun you. Call you crazy, and tell you that your missing out.
Usually, the person gives up all hope and faith and decides to join “society” yet again. And “society” welcomes them with open arms. For the feeling of being accepted by your peers is strong. The feeling of being wanted and the feeling of companionship. “Society” offers that and more…with a cherry on top.

The ones who have not given up and turned in their minds to be controlled by people who claim to have graduated from a fancy shmancy expensive college and made something out of themselves. The ones who have not given in are laughed at and made fun of. And likewise the “intelligent“ people laugh at the idiots of “society”. They laugh at the people who cannot think on their own and leave the “choosing and deciding” up to people who are complete nincompoops.
But the people who choose not to be taken in by “society” ever so often lose hope and become depressed. Feeling like they are the only ones.
Some become angry, some start to feel meaningless, and some wish they never were different.
…How sad.

Anyhow, I have realized that “society” is somewhat scared. Scared of NOT having CONTROL over everything and everybody. Because people who CAN think are never afraid to question. And of course “society” doesn’t want that. If there is a person that can point out and show everybody that what they are teaching is wrong, they try to shut up and cut down that person. They WANT people to mindlessly follow along, like sheep quietly being led to the butcher without voicing a complaint.
Why can’t we cultivate our minds and think for ourselves?

This all is unfortunately one-sided. Because of course, I’m in favor of independent thinking and being different. I try to stay away from being “the same”. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I should just go along with “the flow”. But then, I wouldn’t be the person I am. I’d be a bumbling idiot. Which of course, I don’t want to be.

I’m extremely grateful for meeting Dylan, Jake, Matt, Kimmy, and Edwin who have repeatedly encourage me to be different.
They have saved me from giving in and becoming a girl who uses people for her own purposes.
Ah yes. End of enigmatic thoughts. You may now continue with whatever you were doing before you decided to read my ramblings.

Oh yeah...I forgot to mention that the sky is pink and the grass is always yellow.

Complaint #89373465022347!!

asdjfkkjfu!
WAHAaaah! I'm falling apart.
This... is not good. At all.

I was in a somewhat of a pretty good mood this morning. I was looking foward to having a really great day, and an amazing evening. I happily jump out of bed at 11:00 AM (which is extrememly rare, I usually crawl out of bed none to happy.) And run into the freezing cold living room where I sat and watched my younger brothers play a video game. After a little while I made lunch, than sat around some more.
It is now 1:39 PM, and I'm in the most revolting mood ever. Somewhere in between those few hours my good mood turned sour. And right now, I'm trying to figure out what in the world happened.
Everything, well, most everything seems horrible. I feel bleh. And I don't want to go to work... which is like, in a few hours.
How is it that one persons mood can swing from a high point to a down low?
Meh. I believe this started when I was really looking foward to watching a movie that I was waiting for to come in the mail (netflix)
I log into the internet to find out that I wont be recieving that movie till tomorrow. Oh yes, silly to get upset over that little thing. But somehow it set off a string of annoyed thoughts about most everything. I "rawr'd" and threw a pillow at the floor which shocked my younger brothers who were commenting on what a good mood I was in.
I started mentally beating myself up. I started thinking of how I am legally ABLE to drive by myself, but me being TO FREAKIN SCARED to DRIVE by myself. Being scared of crashing and my parents having to pay for everything. Now my parents wont allow me to drive by myself because they think I'm to scared to (which is true), and now I have to earn back their trust so I can drive by myself and see Dylan more than just once a week.
Then I started thinking of how much it sucks that I can't see Dylan more. Which, made my mood even worse because if I did drive, I would be able to see him more. But then I don't, so...roar.
Then I started thinking of my homework. And how I'm SO behind in all my work. I only have two more years till I turn 18, and it's frustrating me of HAVING to think of how I can support myself. Then I started thinking of "my future" as my dad so often talks to me about. My "plans for the future" are quite hazy. And I don't really have anything that I want to be when I "grow-up". I think, the only thing that comforted me is that I do have something to look foward to in the future, and I do have somewhat of a goal. I look foward to being with Sachi forever. That is what I look foward to. My goal is to live comfortably in rural Japan. What I really want is to live comfortably in rural Japan WITH Sachi.
That calmed my mood to a certain extent. At least I knew what I want when it came to that.
But then I started thinking of Sachi, and the hopes of seeing him on Saturday. Then it came to mind that I had gotten in trouble and may not be able to go to the mall on the weekend.

...

ah. More evil thoughts.

I think I've complained quite enough for one blog. I'm finished. I know I shouldn't have complained. But it feels better to have unloaded some of my complaints that I keep bottled up inside of me.

I'm not looking for sympathy...I'm just looking for somebody who will listen as I complain. Without saying "Oh Christina, your to negative, think positive. You complain to much, be grateful."

Bleh.

My enigma, a sort of paradox. A complex issue.

A question has been bothering me these past few days.
How much is to much fantasy, and how much is to much reality?
Let me clarify.
Fantasy, in this case I mean to define it as “daydreaming”.
Reality, in this case I mean to define it as the “maybe truth”.
How do you keep your dreams, your wants, in check? So as not to fall into despair when you do not receive what you desire.
The similarity between the two words Dream and Ambition. Dream being more of a delightful hallucination. Ambition being an endeavor to make that dream a reality.
UGH! I feel that I’m not making any sense at all. But I am going to continue writing even if it doesn’t make the slightest sense. Forgive me for my ramblings. I need to write, even if it is incoherent.

Wanting something so badly. Building your world around it. Dreaming of it. Something in the future happens. Everything falls apart. What are you left with?
I guess what I’m asking is, is it safe to dream? To make my heart hallucinate it’s greatest desire? Numb out reality, pretend there isn’t anything to worry about? My mind tells me to retain some sense, to make sure I check in with reality once in a while.
It makes me ask myself, “What are you so afraid about?”
Which I readily answer with, “I am afraid of losing everything that I love, being alone, all slipping past my fingertips. ”
I’m so scared of hurting… myself.

ACK! I’m being confusing. So confused that, I barely know what I’m talking about. “Christina! What ARE you talking about?”
I guess I’m saying, rather, correction, what I am TRYING to say is that: Is it safe to build my world around you Sachi?
Oh don’t get me wrong, I know you love me, and I love you in return.
It’s a wonderful adventure, not knowing what is in store for the future.
I trust you. You once told me you wouldn’t break my heart. Please don’t, because I’ve already started to build my world around you. You occupy my thoughts and dreams 24/7.
I love you so much.

Oh goodness. Did I make ANY type of SENSE at ALL?!? AH! Oh well. Thank you for bearing with me. ^.^ Sorry if I'm being repetitive. But it's kind of an important subject you know...

Choose your identity

If only being yourself was as easy as choosing your identity on the comment box.

Forgive me for my ramblings.

Comment box is now open for discussion. Rawr.

Actually, I've been finding the conversations in my comment boxes quite amusing. I know, I know, it's not something I should be amused at...
But I like knowing peoples thoughts on things, especially when they have something "good" and "interesting" to say.
So say something. You know you have something to say.